The point of my last entry, and it did have one, was that sometimes I want to cry but can't. Because crying makes one feel better. There are things that make me cry, like Rent, that I look forward to experiencing. And yes, I do feel all the more the freak because I don't have normal emotions.
Today we went to the funeral of a woman we knew casually, the mother of one of the women we work with at FOA. She was 96, had all of her faculties, and didn't suffer. You can't really want a lot more than that.
I don't do well at funerals as a general rule. The grief of the family and loved ones impacts me deeply, and I inevitably begin to cry. Often it's for the dead, like today. It makes me sad that someone who was so loved and needed had to die. But sometimes it's for other people I've lost, like Eric, or people I will lose, like my family.
I am not close to my family at all, and that makes me very sad. My husband tells me that I'm nothing like my family, which in his mind explains everything. But that still does not stop my wanting to be accepted by them. Because my family has never "gotten" me, they don't really value me, and that makes me feel like a total fraud when people do like me. I keep thinking that eventually they'll see what my family sees, the difference, the alien, and turn away. This keeps me on my toes, and most people at arm's length.
I am very lucky because I have a husband who adores me and seems blind to my obvious freakishness :). Even though we don't get to have children, meaning I'll never really have the family I want, he is everything to me. When we're at a funeral, I think about losing him and I just break down. Or I think about when I'll lose my own parents who, despite raising me since I was three months old, don't really know me at all. And it's hard to be okay with that.