Natalie, the woman I share an office with, has a husband who has cancer and a Leonberger named Elwood. The husband she’s had for nearly 30 years; the dog is fairly new.
Elwood is both still a puppy (he’s just over a year old) and a rescue dog; he’s trying to figure out how to live with people who are kind and good and would never, ever hurt him. After all he’s been through, it’s hard to trust.
Mike, Natalie’s husband, is somewhat older than Elwood and has Kaiser Permanente Health Insurance; he’s trying to figure how to be seriously ill while dealing with a system whose stated goal is to provide health care, but seems designed with more anxious anticipation and hoops to jump though than Cirque de Soleil. After all he’s been through, it’s hard to trust.
One night Natalie’s son, Jeremy, was getting a cup of coffee in the kitchen when Elwood growled at him. This was Elwood’s way to test his boundaries and to try and establish control. The proper reaction is to show no fear, not back down, and let Elwood know that you are in charge. Not in a harsh way, but in a firm, gentle way. In this case, Jeremy let Elwood know that he was in charge of the coffee pot. Because if dogs don’t know what their boundaries are, they will act in all kinds of inappropriate ways.
Today Mike met with a new doctor, and Natalie went with him. Initially the doctor simply ignored her; he did this to try and test his boundaries and establish control. Armed with notebooks and medical information the physician had not bothered to review, Natalie showed no fear, did not back down, and let him know that while she may not be completely in charge, she was a partner and not a doormat. Not in a harsh way, but in a firm way that brooked no debate. Natalie knew everything about her husband’s medical history since the day they’d met when she was 17; it was all stored in her brain and recorded in those notebooks. She remembered every drug Mike had ever taken (as well as how they interacted with any drugs he was currently on or ever had taken), the dates of any and all tests he’d ever had, and what treatments and diagnostic methods had already been tried. And she made sure the doctor knew, too. In this way, Natalie let the doctor know that while he had many patients, Mike was the only one she had and ever intended to. Because if Kaiser doesn’t realize that they can’t push you around, they will act in all kinds of inappropriate ways.
The offical term for his type of behavior is coffeepotting, and it is done soley out of love